Bubba's Unsuperficial College Football Bowl Preview

Welcome Bubba, friend of PerformanceEnhancedBlogging and College Football/SEC expert extraordinaire. Bubba is disillusioned with the state of college football's postseason, the economy and the country as a whole. He has been kind enough to give us a dick-joke filled preview of what promises to be another (useless and un)exciting college football bowl season.

O God...here we go... I feel a rant coming along... I'm at Chik-fil-a, two old people cut me off. They just walked in and stood in front of me. Fuck it, let's just talk bowl matchups:

I like the Michigan State-'Bama match up. Mich State will win t

hat game. Spartans will win by twenty.

F'n bowl games...it's like they mean something...but they really don't. They mean nothing.

UGA playing who? Central Florida. In the Liberty Bowl. What does Memphis have to do with liberty, you ask? Memphis has everything to do with liberty. Memphis is a seven letter word, which in football you score six points plus a PAT; instead of a PAT, worth one point, you can go for two to give you eight...so 7 x 8 = 56, the amount of people who signed the Declaration of Independence, which gave all Americans justice and.....LIBERTY!

Any who, bowl games are retarded, let's break some down...GT vs Air Force in the Champs of Zero Conferences Bowl. Lots of running in that game. The loser of that game is the field crew; that turf will be torn up between the has marks from all the running plays. They get plenty of time to prepare for this one, Shreveport isn't exactly a hot bed.

Next game:

North Carolina and Kentucky in the Gaylord-Our-Rooms-Are-Half-Off-For-This-One Hotel Bowl. The real winner: the fans. Nashville is like Los Angeles without the tan.

Let's scoot down to Florida where the Gators and the Nittany Lions will play for the Golden Steak in the "Let's Go To Outback at 11 a.m. on New Year's Day" Bowl. For fuck sake, no one eats steak at 11 in the morning... They should call it the "Mcdonald's Breakfast is Still Being Served Bowl."

The Fiesta Bowl game is a joke. UCONN has four losses. OU is an 18 point favorite. UCONN lost to Temple. At least they didn't put TCU vs UCONN.

Let's talk "Beef O' My God I'd literally rather eat at this shitty restaurant than go to Beef O' Bradys" Bowl. Southern Miss will honor Brett Favre's legacy by playing Louisville in this bowl game. It's a matchup for sure... But only because two teams will be playing is it a matchup, nobody will really care, and no one will be at Beef O' Bradys for it either.

The Sheraton "Let's Go To Hawaii and Host Hawai'i" Bowl.

Tulsa will leave it's comfortable Central Time Zone for the Hawai'i time zone; the only thing more interesting in that matchup is if Tulsa will be able to withstand the climate of Hawai'i, it's not an easy place to play. Say aloha (goodbye) to ratings in this one.

I'm looking forward to not watching that matchup.

I feel bad for our troops in the Northrop Grumman (wtf is that?) Military Bowl.

Our soldiers serve our country proud, what better way to honor them than to play a game between Pirates and Turtles. I mean Jesus Chr

ist, why don't they play the game in a salt water pool? Atleast it'd be entertaining.

And a first... This bowl game will not be remembered.... So thank you, troops.

You know what would actually get fans to watch the New Era Pinstripe Bowl?!? They take the basketball teams of Syracuse and Kansas State and let them play football.

Be sure to tune into the GoDaddy.com Bowl on January 6th, not only will you not care about college football after this point, you are sure as hell to not care about this one. Winners in this game, the 10 fans who actually tune in for the GoDaddy commercials that lead you to believe that if you go to their website, you can watch Danica Patrick perform lesbian sex acts...

Pizza pizza!! Little Caesars is hosting a bowl in Detroit... This game ought to pump some money into the struggling motown city. Wait, nevermind, they are paying to let Toledo and Florida International play. This must be part of the stimulus package. God damn isn't college football grand?

Troy and Ohio are playing in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl. Talking to one local in New Orleans, he wished another hurricane would come in and drown the city again to avoid this "matchup"... People want food and shelter, NOT Trojans and Bobcats.

The Vegas Bowl will have to jack up there security for this game... Once thought to be BCS Busters, now in a December 22nd game... The city of Las Vegas will be on code red when the Mormon Utes and potato farming Broncos come to town....

The New Mexico Bowl is the first bowl to get this bowl season started.... UTEP vs BYU at 2:00 p.m. I will say this, "nope."

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl... I'd rather see the Army team come out in full combat gear. SMU is trying to rebuild....What in the world are these teams playing for?!

Ok...So those are the bad ones...Let's break down the good ones now:

The Chik-fil-a Bowl... How are two teams sup

posed to be happy about playing in this bowl? Every year they send the loser of the ACC and SEC Championship Game to this one... People go to that one because Atlanta is a pretty cool town. I got South Carolina winning that one, close, and carrying home the Pepsi Consolation Game Consolation Trophy. Pepsi, when they're out of Coke.

Notre Dame vs Miami... Call your uncle, ask him about how good these teams were he was in college and it might jack you up for the 2010 version. Miami in a blow out.

'Bama vs. Michigan State... They say this is the east coast bowl to go to if you don't get a BCS bid... Well these two teams are happy about that. MSU won a share of the Big Ten title, so they get to play an overrated 'Bama team who hasn't won a big game all year. MSU rolls.

The Allstate "I Don't Drink My Coffee Black I Need Some Cream and" Sugar Bowl. Are you in good hands? Ohio State vs the Razorbacks of Arkansas... This game, with all due respect, doesn't really shake a candle to the Ticketcity Bowl,with the dynamite game of Northwestern and Texas Tech... I'd rather watch Mike Leach laugh at burn victims or go on a low-carb diet with Mangino than watch that one. The Sugar Bowl will get a good crowd though. The Buckeyes travel well and Arkansas is pretty close.

The Rose Bowl... The Grandaddy of 'Em All... Presented by Vizio... Ok, so here's my take on this, TCU loses to Wisconsin. The stadium holds close to 100,000 fans. The Badgers will have about 80 percent of that.

I do like the Insight Bowl, too. Missouri and Iowa... These teams are so confused whether or not to be good.

The big one this December though is the matchup in the Poinsetta Bowl. Navy is ranked 5th in the country in rushing yards, they are so ready to play the Aztecs that they accepted this bowl bid before they even fucking finished their season! (They play Navy on Saturday). Navy could easily be undefeated, they were screwed in the opener vs. Maryland, lost a battle to Air Force, only because it was in Colorado and their main weapons, battleships, don't work too well on land. And they should have beat Duke.

The Aztecs come in at 8-4, and have a throwing attack that ranks 11th in the country. The coach says that the Aztecs ability to throw the ball can be thanked to the training there young men got as boys. You see, the Aztecs are a civilization that uses spears to hunt; they throw these spears to kill. Great arm strength and precision... This is a doozy.

The Alamo Bowl... All I know about the Alamo was that the Spurs play their basketball games there and Billy Bob played in a movie about it. As much as I know about the Alamo Bowl, I know eveb less about the two teams playing in it. Arizona is a team every year thinking they could win the Pacific Conference, but they always lose a game or six to teams that I really don't even care about or are worth mentioning. Oklahoma State is the same way. It's hard for OSU to be taken serious. First of all, they have the colors of the holiday where girls dress up like skanks and their mothers and fathers take pictures of them, so their colors are immoral. Secondly, they are in the Sooner state, so Barry Sanders is all they got.

The Meineke "Take Care of your Car Because it's Not Worth Spending Money on a Plane Ticket" Bowl is actually a pretty decent matchup, that is if the teams were decent. Clemson has the best baseball player on their team so that should help them with nothing at all. Look forward to these teams acting very hyped when running onto the field then settling down immediately, I'm talking even before kickoff. These boys will have more butterflys in there stomach from not getting caught drinking and driving on New Year's Eve than this game. South Florida wins by a little less quit.

A truly Once-In-A-Lifetime occurrence

This blog is, on occasion, known to indulge in a little hyperbole. Terms like Earth-shattering or Once-in-a-lifetime may get used a little too often than is probably warranted. This is often the case with most people who write about sports. Males are commonly sports fans AND supreme sentimentalists. They can get caught up in the moment and can lack perspective at moments of extreme excitement.

This is not one of those times.

Yesterday afternoon Brooks Conrad, a 30 year-old career minor leaguer hit a walk-off, pinch-hit, against all-odds, Grand Slam with the Atlanta Braves down three runs in the bottom of the ninth. In the 130 year recorded history of baseball, this has happened only one other time. On July 8, 1950, as the Korean War was just beginning, Jack Phillips hit the first pinch-hit, walk-off Grand Slam (with the Pirates down three) in history.Phillips would finish his MLB career with only nine home runs, Conrad now has five.

Only twenty three men have ever hit a walk-off, Grand Slams with their team down three. Babe Ruth has. Bobby Thomson has. Roberto Clemente? Yup. The last one to do it was Adam Dunn, who is actually paid to hit the ball out of the ballpark, and do little else. And now Brooks Conrad has joined that list, as totally improbable and unlikely as it is. He has even joined a more exclusive list.

More men have walked on the moon than have done what Brooks Litchfield Conrad was able to do on Monday. More sitting Presidents have been assassinated than have hit pinch-hit, walk-off, Grand Slams with their team down three. With the last (and only other) having happened in 1950, it is safe to say this is a once in a lifetime occurrence.

This Braves season has had it’s fair share on hyperbolic moments already. Jason Heyward hit a three-run home run in his first major league swing. A couple weeks later, they got no-hit but Ubaldo Jimenez. There has definitely been no shortage of moments to get caught up in with the Braves this season.

The Romance Post, part 1 of....1?

I have recently been charged with the challenge--in an attempt to drive or readership (and/or writership) by appealing to a wider audience--to post a blog about Romance. This is funny/sad/terrifying/insulting probably for a wide variety of reasons. The utmost of which must be the irony that, as someone who blogs in my spare time (read: blogger), how much could I really know on the subject?

Well...as it turns out...shockingly...very little.

But not to be discouraged! I firmly believe that nobody else really does either (except for perhaps old, wise people, but chances are they are not doing any blogging any time soon, so you are sort of stuck with me). Someone has either been in a lot of relationships, which means they failed a lot and clearly cannot be trusted, or they have been in very few relationships and therefore have no credible experience. Face it, no one can really be an expert on the subject of romance/love. (Yes I realize all I did to give myself credibility is destroy the credibility of any dissension, but that is what politicians always do, and they are getting voted for, so I figure it works.)

As it turns out, I always have some experience writing on the subject. My first ever piece of writing out of high school was actually an entrance essay to the University of Georgia addressing the simple question, "What is Love?" (The other choice was something about the impact of Martin Luther King, Jr. that really restricted my ability to MAKE UP WHATEVER I WANTED TO SAY.) I proceeded to use about 500 words describing my love for the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Browns and a few other events/inanimate objects. At the time I was convinced my idea was SO original SO refreshing and clever that I would already be thrown on the Dean's List just for existing (my 2.8 high school GPA be damned). As fate would have it, I was denied admission to UGA very quickly.

I am actually less of a writer and more of an observational humorist. I write (often cynical) stories about things I see during the course of the day. Again, I hold out hope that this gives me an advantage as, having worked at a Quizno's for two years, I have direct knowledge of a wide realm of love/happiness and loneliness/sadness. As a sandwich shop employee, you quickly learn to loathe not only the uselessly in love couples who can't take their tongue out of each other's mouths long enough to order but also the callously depressed and lonely looking and sounding people planning to eat their bitterness away with a large Mesquite Chicken with extra Ranch.

(More irony: The reason I know the ends of the spectrum so well is probably because I inhabited both at some point or another while employed at Quizno's. I only got the job there because my girlfriend would insist on eating there at least four times of week, so I pleaded with the manager to employee me so I could get some of my money so I could continue to keep her happy by feeding her endless bowls of Broccoli Cheese soup. This delicate life cycle sustained itself only momentarily.

It certainly made things interesting post-break-up as I went from receiving bacon and eggs from my ex-girlfriend in bed to making her a small Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole on her lunch break. My only sweet vindication was going super light on the bacon AND guacamole and still continuing to charge her full price...ha!

Ok, I didn't charge her full price, but I still held incredible satisfaction knowing she was sitting, eating quietly yearning for a more full flavor of bacon and guacamole!)

At any rate, I will attempt to avoid making this series of posts too self-deprecating and auto-biographical. Although, not talking about myself usually proves pretty challenging.

To be continued...

The Case Against Skip

ESPN has often had trouble creating A.M. programming for it's sister station, ESPN2. I remember the days of morning exercise sessions, and later Cold Pizza, which has been repackaged and called First Take.

First Take as a show, is compelling enough. The interviews are usually interesting and the hosts Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson work well in their spots and are pleasant enough for the morning. The biggest eye/ear sore in the First Take lineup is the loudly irritating and useless segment 1st and 10 (a failed holdover from Cold Pizza, minus the good-natured humor of Woody Paige).

1st and 10 is a segment that pits Cold Pizza and First Take regular Skip Bayless against a "guest" debater, which more often than not is someone of the opposite sex/race (this often plays out for plenty of uncomfortable, subtle, racism/sexism as Skip routinely takes the majority/white male side of the argument).

(It should be noted that this post is not trying to accuse Skip Bayless of being a racist or a sexist, it is impossible to know if his views expressed on the show are actually his or just an attempt to create conflict and create the segment more watchable.)

There is a term in the radio for the way Skip acts on a regular basis...it is simply called playing radio. This is done essentially to anger listeners into calling in and voicing their disagreement, all the while increasing the entertainment value for the listener. In radio this works when used sparingly because if the listener is in a constant state of being pissed off he or she will eventually just find something else to listen to.

Playing radio does not work on TV, as much as Skip would like. He just ends up arguing with the same three people every week with the same broken record arguments. Pardon the Interruption works because it is a unique idea handled by two level-headed and intelligent personalities that DEBATE both sides of an argument rather than an emotionally-charged squabble.

Luckily for Skip, there isn't too much concern for ratings on a midday sports-show segment, so his job is pretty much secure as long as he doesn't do anything stupid outside of the studio. The rest of us will just have to continue taking Tylenol or watching ESPNEWS run over and over and over...

A Dream For Steve

My sister sent me a link to this article describing Steven Tyler suddenly taking over a karaoke contest with his rendition of his own “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing.” Later that night I had this dream:

I’m driving around a neighborhood that looks partly my own, but then also partly strange and off, such as is any familiar place that is duplicated in a dream. I find an unusual establishment and stumble into the odd bar looking for a brew late in a Tuesday evening. I am greeted by the warmth and stench of the smoke and alcohol from the bar and the smell of fried grease emanating from the kitchen. The place is largely empty, save for about a half dozen drunks participating in an oddly subdued and low key karaoke party opposite the bar.

I make my way the bar and order a beer and quietly share it with a few other patrons as we watch the muted basketball game on TV. We are all just sort of enjoying the inhibition-less singers as they perform their favorite love songs. After about thirty minutes I am well into my second beer and I hear the faint opening chords of Oh, Sherrie...I don’t look up, I just smile to myself soaking in the greatest love song ever written.

When the performer begins to sing—as no one else on this planet can—there is no reason for alarm, no need to jump or make the dozen immediate phone calls that are surely warranted by this once-in-a-lifetime situation. I simply sit quietly. My eyes never leave the beer in front of me, as my ears soak in the beautiful ballad.

After the song completed, I paid my tab and headed out, finding the singer on my way. It wasn’t hard to recognize him—I know his face well—though he is older now, even weary, but not necessarily sad; it is almost as if he is totally at peace. I simply walked up to him, shook his hand and offered, "Thanks," and the look in his eyes let me know that's all he needed, and I quickly shuffled out.

I hopped in my car and started the ignition. The radio sprang to life by was initially drowned out by the roar of the starting engine, as the pistons settled down the sound coming from the old car stereo speakers became more clear….”Should’ve been gone….”

And then, I woke up.