Well...as it turns out...shockingly...very little.
But not to be discouraged! I firmly believe that nobody else really does either (except for perhaps old, wise people, but chances are they are not doing any blogging any time soon, so you are sort of stuck with me). Someone has either been in a lot of relationships, which means they failed a lot and clearly cannot be trusted, or they have been in very few relationships and therefore have no credible experience. Face it, no one can really be an expert on the subject of romance/love. (Yes I realize all I did to give myself credibility is destroy the credibility of any dissension, but that is what politicians always do, and they are getting voted for, so I figure it works.)
As it turns out, I always have some experience writing on the subject. My first ever piece of writing out of high school was actually an entrance essay to the University of Georgia addressing the simple question, "What is Love?" (The other choice was something about the impact of Martin Luther King, Jr. that really restricted my ability to MAKE UP WHATEVER I WANTED TO SAY.) I proceeded to use about 500 words describing my love for the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Browns and a few other events/inanimate objects. At the time I was convinced my idea was SO original SO refreshing and clever that I would already be thrown on the Dean's List just for existing (my 2.8 high school GPA be damned). As fate would have it, I was denied admission to UGA very quickly.
I am actually less of a writer and more of an observational humorist. I write (often cynical) stories about things I see during the course of the day. Again, I hold out hope that this gives me an advantage as, having worked at a Quizno's for two years, I have direct knowledge of a wide realm of love/happiness and loneliness/sadness. As a sandwich shop employee, you quickly learn to loathe not only the uselessly in love couples who can't take their tongue out of each other's mouths long enough to order but also the callously depressed and lonely looking and sounding people planning to eat their bitterness away with a large Mesquite Chicken with extra Ranch.
(More irony: The reason I know the ends of the spectrum so well is probably because I inhabited both at some point or another while employed at Quizno's. I only got the job there because my girlfriend would insist on eating there at least four times of week, so I pleaded with the manager to employee me so I could get some of my money so I could continue to keep her happy by feeding her endless bowls of Broccoli Cheese soup. This delicate life cycle sustained itself only momentarily.
It certainly made things interesting post-break-up as I went from receiving bacon and eggs from my ex-girlfriend in bed to making her a small Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole on her lunch break. My only sweet vindication was going super light on the bacon AND guacamole and still continuing to charge her full price...ha!
Ok, I didn't charge her full price, but I still held incredible satisfaction knowing she was sitting, eating quietly yearning for a more full flavor of bacon and guacamole!)
At any rate, I will attempt to avoid making this series of posts too self-deprecating and auto-biographical. Although, not talking about myself usually proves pretty challenging.
To be continued...
