Welcome Bubba, friend of PerformanceEnhancedBlogging and College Football/SEC expert extraordinaire. Bubba is disillusioned with the state of college football's postseason, the economy and the country as a whole. He has been kind enough to give us a dick-joke filled preview of what promises to be another (useless and un)exciting college football bowl season.
O God...here we go... I feel a rant coming along... I'm at Chik-fil-a, two old people cut me off. They just walked in and stood in front of me. Fuck it, let's just talk bowl matchups:
I like the Michigan State-'Bama match up. Mich State will win t
hat game. Spartans will win by twenty.
F'n bowl games...it's like they mean something...but they really don't. They mean nothing.
UGA playing who? Central Florida. In the Liberty Bowl. What does Memphis have to do with liberty, you ask? Memphis has everything to do with liberty. Memphis is a seven letter word, which in football you score six points plus a PAT; instead of a PAT, worth one point, you can go for two to give you eight...so 7 x 8 = 56, the amount of people who signed the Declaration of Independence, which gave all Americans justice and.....LIBERTY!
Any who, bowl games are retarded, let's break some down...GT vs Air Force in the Champs of Zero Conferences Bowl. Lots of running in that game. The loser of that game is the field crew; that turf will be torn up between the has marks from all the running plays. They get plenty of time to prepare for this one, Shreveport isn't exactly a hot bed.
Next game:
North Carolina and Kentucky in the Gaylord-Our-Rooms-Are-Half-Off-For-This-One Hotel Bowl. The real winner: the fans. Nashville is like Los Angeles without the tan.
Let's scoot down to Florida where the Gators and the Nittany Lions will play for the Golden Steak in the "Let's Go To Outback at 11 a.m. on New Year's Day" Bowl. For fuck sake, no one eats steak at 11 in the morning... They should call it the "Mcdonald's Breakfast is Still Being Served Bowl."
The Fiesta Bowl game is a joke. UCONN has four losses. OU is an 18 point favorite. UCONN lost to Temple. At least they didn't put TCU vs UCONN.
Let's talk "Beef O' My God I'd literally rather eat at this shitty restaurant than go to Beef O' Bradys" Bowl. Southern Miss will honor Brett Favre's legacy by playing Louisville in this bowl game. It's a matchup for sure... But only because two teams will be playing is it a matchup, nobody will really care, and no one will be at Beef O' Bradys for it either.
The Sheraton "Let's Go To Hawaii and Host Hawai'i" Bowl.
Tulsa will leave it's comfortable Central Time Zone for the Hawai'i time zone; the only thing more interesting in that matchup is if Tulsa will be able to withstand the climate of Hawai'i, it's not an easy place to play. Say aloha (goodbye) to ratings in this one.
I'm looking forward to not watching that matchup.
I feel bad for our troops in the Northrop Grumman (wtf is that?) Military Bowl.
Our soldiers serve our country proud, what better way to honor them than to play a game between Pirates and Turtles. I mean Jesus Chr
ist, why don't they play the game in a salt water pool? Atleast it'd be entertaining.
And a first... This bowl game will not be remembered.... So thank you, troops.
You know what would actually get fans to watch the New Era Pinstripe Bowl?!? They take the basketball teams of Syracuse and Kansas State and let them play football.
Be sure to tune into the GoDaddy.com Bowl on January 6th, not only will you not care about college football after this point, you are sure as hell to not care about this one. Winners in this game, the 10 fans who actually tune in for the GoDaddy commercials that lead you to believe that if you go to their website, you can watch Danica Patrick perform lesbian sex acts...
Pizza pizza!! Little Caesars is hosting a bowl in Detroit... This game ought to pump some money into the struggling motown city. Wait, nevermind, they are paying to let Toledo and Florida International play. This must be part of the stimulus package. God damn isn't college football grand?
Troy and Ohio are playing in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl. Talking to one local in New Orleans, he wished another hurricane would come in and drown the city again to avoid this "matchup"... People want food and shelter, NOT Trojans and Bobcats.
The Vegas Bowl will have to jack up there security for this game... Once thought to be BCS Busters, now in a December 22nd game... The city of Las Vegas will be on code red when the Mormon Utes and potato farming Broncos come to town....
The New Mexico Bowl is the first bowl to get this bowl season started.... UTEP vs BYU at 2:00 p.m. I will say this, "nope."
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl... I'd rather see the Army team come out in full combat gear. SMU is trying to rebuild....What in the world are these teams playing for?!
Ok...So those are the bad ones...Let's break down the good ones now:
The Chik-fil-a Bowl... How are two teams sup
posed to be happy about playing in this bowl? Every year they send the loser of the ACC and SEC Championship Game to this one... People go to that one because Atlanta is a pretty cool town. I got South Carolina winning that one, close, and carrying home the Pepsi Consolation Game Consolation Trophy. Pepsi, when they're out of Coke.
Notre Dame vs Miami... Call your uncle, ask him about how good these teams were he was in college and it might jack you up for the 2010 version. Miami in a blow out.
'Bama vs. Michigan State... They say this is the east coast bowl to go to if you don't get a BCS bid... Well these two teams are happy about that. MSU won a share of the Big Ten title, so they get to play an overrated 'Bama team who hasn't won a big game all year. MSU rolls.
The Allstate "I Don't Drink My Coffee Black I Need Some Cream and" Sugar Bowl. Are you in good hands? Ohio State vs the Razorbacks of Arkansas... This game, with all due respect, doesn't really shake a candle to the Ticketcity Bowl,with the dynamite game of Northwestern and Texas Tech... I'd rather watch Mike Leach laugh at burn victims or go on a low-carb diet with Mangino than watch that one. The Sugar Bowl will get a good crowd though. The Buckeyes travel well and Arkansas is pretty close.
The Rose Bowl... The Grandaddy of 'Em All... Presented by Vizio... Ok, so here's my take on this, TCU loses to Wisconsin. The stadium holds close to 100,000 fans. The Badgers will have about 80 percent of that.
I do like the Insight Bowl, too. Missouri and Iowa... These teams are so confused whether or not to be good.
The big one this December though is the matchup in the Poinsetta Bowl. Navy is ranked 5th in the country in rushing yards, they are so ready to play the Aztecs that they accepted this bowl bid before they even fucking finished their season! (They play Navy on Saturday). Navy could easily be undefeated, they were screwed in the opener vs. Maryland, lost a battle to Air Force, only because it was in Colorado and their main weapons, battleships, don't work too well on land. And they should have beat Duke.
The Aztecs come in at 8-4, and have a throwing attack that ranks 11th in the country. The coach says that the Aztecs ability to throw the ball can be thanked to the training there young men got as boys. You see, the Aztecs are a civilization that uses spears to hunt; they throw these spears to kill. Great arm strength and precision... This is a doozy.
The Alamo Bowl... All I know about the Alamo was that the Spurs play their basketball games there and Billy Bob played in a movie about it. As much as I know about the Alamo Bowl, I know eveb less about the two teams playing in it. Arizona is a team every year thinking they could win the Pacific Conference, but they always lose a game or six to teams that I really don't even care about or are worth mentioning. Oklahoma State is the same way. It's hard for OSU to be taken serious. First of all, they have the colors of the holiday where girls dress up like skanks and their mothers and fathers take pictures of them, so their colors are immoral. Secondly, they are in the Sooner state, so Barry Sanders is all they got.
The Meineke "Take Care of your Car Because it's Not Worth Spending Money on a Plane Ticket" Bowl is actually a pretty decent matchup, that is if the teams were decent. Clemson has the best baseball player on their team so that should help them with nothing at all. Look forward to these teams acting very hyped when running onto the field then settling down immediately, I'm talking even before kickoff. These boys will have more butterflys in there stomach from not getting caught drinking and driving on New Year's Eve than this game. South Florida wins by a little less quit.
